The Adventures of the Toad Elevator and Co
by In The Loft
Summary: This is a surrealist take on the diary entries of members of Fagins' gang, and  Mr Bumble, as they form bands, smell cheese and paint everything black. Some might say that apple juice had just a teensy bit to do with it...
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hello! So this was written by me and one of my friends, and we were **_**very **_**hyper. So far, it has no particular plot, but anyway! On with the show!**

Dear Diary,

Today, I saw Fagin watching Teletubbies again. Why? He sings the theme song and ignores me! Surely I am more important to him than Naughty Nu-Nu?

Charley Bates is playing with cheese again. He made a sculpture and I knocked it down. MWA HA HA! Then he cried. Wimp.

Marshmallows... Mmmmmmm... Nancy cooked them for my breakfast, lunch and dinner. Just the way I like it. Nancy is acting strange. I am scared she will dump me for another, Surely not Fagin. He 's a rat, and smells. I know he has a better beard than me, but... Or Charley? No, he is way too cheesy, and his beard is nonexistent. Mr. Bumble perhaps? But then... he is old, and wrinkles. But he does play the guitar. Maybe Nancy finds that attractive? Girls are such a mystery, and I don't have the charm for them, unlike Fagin. I remember, in my youth, he always had the girls, and I was left with the sweet, sweet marshmallows *snarfle* Talking about marshmallows, some trickster replaced my club with a carrot. I blame the Dodger. Or the koalas. Either of the two. They usually make good scapegoats. As does Charley Bates and his fellow cheese connoisseur.

I feel that I am losing my hair. Maybe that is why Nancy no longer loves me. She prefers men with hair. NOOOOOOOOOOO!

Bill Sikes.

Dear Diary.

I watched Teletubbies today. La La was almost in a scrape, but her friends got her out. YAY! La-La is my heroine. One day, I shall meet her, and we shall live happily ever after in a small cottage with roses and honeysuckle. I MUST NEVER LET BILL, OR CHARLEY OR DODGER READ THAT. They don't understand La-La like I do.

I fear that Bill suspects me of something. He glared at me, and called me a RAT! I am nothing like a rat. I am a very wise turtle. I told Charley this, and all he did was wave some cheese under my nose. Honestly. My gang are morons. I have a plan to turn Bet emo. I think it would work with her. She has a look about her. An emoish look...

Nancy and Dodger fear another koala attack, so I am readying the forces. I have introduced rationing, and made barricades, with the help of some random people who turned up singing about truth, justice, and elevating toads. Anyway...

Bill is acting strangely. I think he may be a unicorn in disguise. He is sparkly enough. He is always swishing his hair about, and I caught him muttering about romantic settings and moonlight. Although that might mean that he has finally realised that Nancy cares for him.

I am sounding like an old man with nothing better to do than watch TV. But I am not that man. I am a SUPERHERO! I SHALL SWEEP LA-LA OFF HER FEET AND WE SHALL DANCE...

Fagin.

Dear Diary,

I tasted a new cheese today. It was like a party had started in my mouth, and everyone was invited! Except Bill and Fagin and Nancy and Bet and Dodger, 'cos they'd ruin it with talk about koalas and beer and La-la, and marshmallows. I hate them sometimes. They are so crude, and they do not understand cheese. My little pet Dolfy does. He is a kindred spirit. He is my best friend in the whole entire world! I love him to bits! Stop there. RIGHT THERE. OK. Good. Cheese *snarfles* Nancy caught me snarfling her cheese in a corner, and she chased me around with a fish. Where she got the thing from...

I love cheese. The sweet aroma as it is enticed into my nostrils, the lovely, heavenly taste of mature blue hairy cheese- the hairier the better. Mmmmm...

The (hairy) cheese connoisseur, a.k.a: Charley Bates.

Dear Diary,

I fear Bill has stopped loving me. Perhaps he prefers Bet. I knew she was trouble... *grumbles* But I shall prevail! Opera and glitter forever. *sings Handel's Messiah*

Fagin hates my singing. He called it rubbish, and I slapped him. He said it sounded like a thousand mouse squeaking out of tune. I told him his precious _La- La _will never love him. He burst into tears and had a tantrum on the floor. Bill came in, and walked straight out again.

Wouldn't you? I decided to tease Dodger for a bit. 'Cos I can. That usually makes me feel better. Then I sang again. And added some pink sparkles to my bonnet. Sparkles, sparkles, sparkles...

I LOVE SPARKLES! BUT I LOVE BILL TOO! So many conflicting emotions. I must... flee! Flee to a land of opera and sparkles and unicorns, where I am understood. Or I could just have an affair with Fagin. I shall! It will make Bill jealous so I will do it! MWAHAHAHAHA!

Much love and operatic feeling, Nancy. xx

Dear Diary,

Today I dreamed of fairies. I flew with them through a moonlit wood and they sang to me, and I sang with them, and out voices made a splendid chorus in the still air.

I saw Fagin today. He was muttering about La-La and something about Bill and marshmallows. Ah well. Nothing abnormal. In my dream, Fagin had wings and he flew higher than me, singing about pie. I am sure that this has great significance, if only I could figure out what.

I have decided to become a fairy. I wish to be enlightened, and I wish to fly! Free and high, above those who try and pull me down. I will not be trifled with things like marshmallows, or cheese, or glitter, or fortune cookies, or elevating toads anymore. I shall meet a wonderful lady and I shall fall in love with her. The fairies have told me so, so it must be true. They would never lie to me!

Oliver

Dear Diary,

Fagin stole a box of fortune cookies, and gave us all one. Bill's said that he should shave. So true... Nancy's told her to beware of a duck wearing a feather boa and calling itself... Carrot. Odd. I wonder what the symbolism is. Charley's ranted about cheese and more cheese. And, he tried to forcefeed me his hairiest, bluest, most horrible cheese. Urgh. I almost died! I had reached for the poker, to end my miserable life when Bill came in ranting about marshmallows. Charley turned on Bill instead, and I fled to wash my mouth out. The taste has not yet gone *shudders*. ANYWAY... Fagin's cookie told him to be careful around small furry mammals by the name of George, especially if they have wooden mallets, and he banned all grapes from the house. Bet was angry, because she likes wooden mallets. But my cookie... My cookie said that I had a beard. I suppose I do in spirit. Is this a bad thing? I didn't know, and now I am scared of the dreaded beards in case the cookie knows something. My life is in turmoil! I feel in my bones that the answer lies with a ferret. I start my search for one tomorrow. ADIOS!

Dodger.

Today Fagin tickled me with a feather. It depressed me so much that I thought I would kill myself... If I wasn't having so much fun being emo.

Isn't that such an amazing word? Emo. Eeeeeeeemo. Hehe. Black.

I decided I would paint all the walls in Fagin's den black, and I told Oliver of my evil... I mean, emo... scheme. He screamed like a girl and ran out to tell the fairies. Sometimes I think that boy really needs a good dose of black paint.

I painted the walls anyway.

Today I feel like blotting out the sun. I found some blotting paper on the street, so I will use it in my evil plan. It will be as easy as taking black paint from a baby... Which sounds fun, so I will try that later.

After carrying out my evil plan of painting the walls black, I went up to my room and gave myself a tattoo of a spider.

Then I went to Bill and he screamed like a girl and ran out of the room.

There's a lot of girls around here who aren't Nancy and I. Nancy gave me a very good piece of advice today. She said... never eat truffles, and walked away from me. In future I will do nothing but paint truffles back.

I think I will become a newspaper columnist now. My first headline will be 'I see a red door and I want to paint it black, black, black, as black as night' It's got a ring to it.

Bet-Bet-Bet.

**Please review? **


	2. Chapter 2

**Bonjour, we are the toad elevators, pioneers of rock and roll and pie, and we do not own anything except the socks that one of us is wearing. SOCKSES... **

Dear diary,

Today I decided to form a band. We shall call ourselves the TOAD ELEVATORS! after my dear wife's obsession. The first thing we will do is write a song all about everybody we know. Then we shall become famous and be on MTV, when it is invented. I have decided that for our concerts, I shall wear nothing but feathers, only feathers! My minions will have to find me lots of feathers because I will be a star! MWAHAHAHA.

But first, to find a band. My dear friend Oliver wrote to me telling me of his fairies. He said that his fairies had sent him a dream that Fagin wold me an excellent drummer. Maybe I should take his advice, but is it a good idea having him in this band? He may try to usurp my position, especially as we are already rivals over Bet... At least, that is what I think he is up to. He wishes to steal my darling Bet away from me *sobs*

The truth is, diary, that... Bet is... my... daughter! Yes. She is my daughter, even though she may not know it, and I cannot risk a tofu marshmallow like fagin gaining her love. it would make me sick, and then I'd have to steal bill's marshmallows, and then where would we be?

So I must go on a QUEST to find my drummer, and also a suitable husband for Bet.

Mr. Bernard-Bobrick-Bumble-Bee-Borkbumble Bumble

Dear La-La

I wrote you a song. It is called... Here Comes The Sun. I know that scamp George Harrison says he wrote it, but don't listen to him. I only play the drum part of it, but don't worry, my love, it sounds very romantic.

On lighter notes, I woke up this morning to find that undoritolike Dodger trying to snip my beard off. I thought he looked slightly different this morning... his hair was a little longer... But it must have been a trick of the light for when I came out to find him sitting with Charley saying No, cheese is not the best thing is the world, chocolate covered coffee beans are...:D HIs hair was the normal length! very strange. perhaps I should get my eyes checked. My optician, Mrs Sparklepuff, is very nice. and she doesn't like knives at all. only poison. But she is no competition at all for you, my love, never fear.

Bill told me that women like men who can speak another language, so I am learning French, Italian, Spanish, Swahii, Basque, Russian, English, Mandarin and Gaelic. Hope you like it Darling. Ah! it is time for my Swahili lesson! I must fly. ADIOS!

Fagin xxxxx I LOVE YOU LALA!

Dear Diary,

Something fishy's going on. People are accusing me of doing things that I havent done. I wish I had done them, as they are pretty groovy things to be doing. This makes me tihink... why? am I losing my touch? but no. THe great Artful Dodger does not lose His Touch. He is born with His Touch and He Will Die With His Touch... Thats a pretty good band name actually. Why arent I in a band? I should be in a band.

Anyway... Is someone trying to take my place as most awesome person in the universe? I wonder... do I have an imposter? (that must mean I'm pretty important anyway...) I bet it's Charley. he always was jealous of my limelight. Right! I'm off to search for a new best friend. ADIOS!

Dodger. the REAL Dodger Dodger Dodger

Dear diary

I am ZE greatest imposter! Nobody's even noticed me! YAY! my planne is vurking!...

I think, for my next impostering mission, I will join the band called The Toad Elevators. I saw flyers for them on the street and they look pretty groovy. not nearly long enough hair though, and theyve gotta lose those drab clothes and wear more colours and beads and FLOWERS. and Peace signs. I would know because I AM... I cant tell you who I am, because that would spoil the story. annoying directors and scriptwriters...

But never fear. I shall go and bop my sorrows away, and prepare an audition for this band. If I don't like them, or they reject me, I will sneak up behind the lead guitarist during a concert, and put his guitar out of tune.

MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Ze Imposter.

Dear Diary,

I love my new pet. I named her Lilith and she's a plot bunny. She's very soft and I love her, But when I Told Bill This, He Said That Was Stupid and Bunnies Can't Be Plotted and Where Were The Marshmallows, So I upended a vat of sparkles and glow in the dark indelible inedible paint over his head. Now I Will Be Able to Se Him In The Dark So He Can't sneak up on me anymore! YAY! and I love my plot bunny. We will be together forever. She does not sneer when I sing OPERA and she does not sneak up on me since I dyed her fur pink. She loves it when I put ribbons in her hair, unlike Charley, who runs away. The one strange thing she does is... She keeps asking me to comb the fur on her head into a mohawk. I told her she would not suit this look, but she keeps asking. Honestly. Kids these days.

Bill told me he wants to bring out a new line of clothing- "Street Chic" after his own 'Look'. I told him no-one in their right sparkles would want to buy torn, bloodstained white shirts and battered brown leather jackets with rust stains. and they will especially not want to buy Old black fringed black leather biker trousers. ick. Nobody else on the street wears that anyway. I said he should reentitle it 'Social Reject Housebreaker on the Run Chic' but he said this would not appeal to his target audience as it has no USP. I did not understand a word of that sentence. However, Bill has made me think about a new career for myself. I think I would Like To Become A Model. Bill said I was still too short as I am only 5'3". He's only 5'2" himself, so I don't know what he's complaining about. He's even shorter than Dodger.

Anyway, toodle'oo, am going on a quest to find a job as a model, see you later! xx and sparkles, Nancy!

**For the chance to win virtual socks, please review!**


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